Keeping Up with "Who Am I?"
12 Things People Get Wrong About Being Nonbinary
PACG IT Specialist
First, a statement for my allies. I then encourage you to read the article 12 Things People Get Wrong About Being Nonbinary (linked below).
Navigating the waters of queerness in the US should be easier than this. It's not. Allies, we need you to do some work to support us.
It should be easier to have a conversation about transitioning with straight cisgendered friends, but without a common language to express ourselves we are often at a loss for words to explain why a question, from a friend no less, might feel more like a judgement than an honest inquiry. I get it, I really do. Consider the work I've had to do figuring out "Who am I?" and having to develop language with which to even have a personal thought about it. Keeping up with who I am is an ongoing journey of self-discovery. So, I do truly understand when it is difficult to understand me. My long path to understanding myself was even more difficult.
I have just started HRT (hormone replacement therapy) as part of my transition into the female body that I believe I should have been born into. I recently shared with a long-time friend, a woman who I consider an ally, that beginning my HRT has left me feeling more confident and happier than I have felt in a long time. She called me a few days later and said that she thinks I should go with her to the swimming pool in our neighborhood. I had to shake my head. Did I hear her correctly? She's my friend. She cares about me. She's an ally. "Ok," I told her. I mean, I like spending time with her so I guess I'll go swimming with her?
But wait.
I'm transitioning. I'm not even a month into my transition. A swimming pool! Which bathroom would I use? What sort of swimming suit do I wear? Will I be safe?
I called her back almost immediately and declined the invitation to go swimming with her. I knew that that was the right decision. But she could not understand why I would be uncomfortable in that situation. Is it my obligation to educate her? To explain that she was likely born in a body that felt right to her all her life. Well, I've been fighting with my body most of my life.
I love reading articles about non-binary and transgender perspectives for several reasons. Mainly I learn more of the language with which I can describe my own views and emotions, feeling freer in the process. This, of course, also allows me to more effectively explain myself to the non-queer and cisgendered. This is not a convenience, but rather a matter of life and death for queer folk in anti-queer spaces, which, unfortunately is pretty much everywhere in the US besides a queer bar. And, given the number of mass shootings in the US, even these spaces don't feel particularly safe to many of us.
No one expects to hear personal and invasive questions about things cisgendered people find mostly too personal to talk about. But then people fully expect we trans folk to be able to educate them about our gender identity and sexual preferences. We get a bit resentful of that because, if the tables were turned and we asked straight people when they decided they were straight, some think that the question is more of a judgement than a polite inquiry. Count yourself lucky if you were born in the right body. It must be a lot less confusing.
I really love it when I find an article like 12 Things People Get Wrong About Being Nonbinary. It's informative and even I learned some new ways of thinking about being non-binary/transgender. It takes the pressure off of me to find the words to explain myself. I'm exhausted by all of this. In addition, the fatigue of listening to the hate in the US today is so debilitating to us that I call this past summer the "Summer of Hate."
I have forged ahead in my journey and I am happier than I've been in years and this article helped. It was the catalyst for me moving forward with my transition. I hope it can help the non-queer people who have queer people in their lives that they love and want to support to be more supportive.
12 Things People Get Wrong About Being Nonbinary
There's no such thing as “looking nonbinary.”
Dee VanThournout
First, a statement for my allies. I then encourage you to read the article 12 Things People Get Wrong About Being Nonbinary (linked below).
Navigating the waters of queerness in the US should be easier than this. It's not. Allies, we need you to do some work to support us.
It should be easier to have a conversation about transitioning with straight cisgendered friends, but without a common language to express ourselves we are often at a loss for words to explain why a question, from a friend no less, might feel more like a judgement than an honest inquiry. I get it, I really do. Consider the work I've had to do figuring out "Who am I?" and having to develop language with which to even have a personal thought about it. Keeping up with who I am is an ongoing journey of self-discovery. So, I do truly understand when it is difficult to understand me. My long path to understanding myself was even more difficult.
I have just started HRT (hormone replacement therapy) as part of my transition into the female body that I believe I should have been born into. I recently shared with a long-time friend, a woman who I consider an ally, that beginning my HRT has left me feeling more confident and happier than I have felt in a long time. She called me a few days later and said that she thinks I should go with her to the swimming pool in our neighborhood. I had to shake my head. Did I hear her correctly? She's my friend. She cares about me. She's an ally. "Ok," I told her. I mean, I like spending time with her so I guess I'll go swimming with her?
But wait.
I'm transitioning. I'm not even a month into my transition. A swimming pool! Which bathroom would I use? What sort of swimming suit do I wear? Will I be safe?
I called her back almost immediately and declined the invitation to go swimming with her. I knew that that was the right decision. But she could not understand why I would be uncomfortable in that situation. Is it my obligation to educate her? To explain that she was likely born in a body that felt right to her all her life. Well, I've been fighting with my body most of my life.
I love reading articles about non-binary and transgender perspectives for several reasons. Mainly I learn more of the language with which I can describe my own views and emotions, feeling freer in the process. This, of course, also allows me to more effectively explain myself to the non-queer and cisgendered. This is not a convenience, but rather a matter of life and death for queer folk in anti-queer spaces, which, unfortunately is pretty much everywhere in the US besides a queer bar. And, given the number of mass shootings in the US, even these spaces don't feel particularly safe to many of us.
No one expects to hear personal and invasive questions about things cisgendered people find mostly too personal to talk about. But then people fully expect we trans folk to be able to educate them about our gender identity and sexual preferences. We get a bit resentful of that because, if the tables were turned and we asked straight people when they decided they were straight, some think that the question is more of a judgement than a polite inquiry. Count yourself lucky if you were born in the right body. It must be a lot less confusing.
I really love it when I find an article like 12 Things People Get Wrong About Being Nonbinary. It's informative and even I learned some new ways of thinking about being non-binary/transgender. It takes the pressure off of me to find the words to explain myself. I'm exhausted by all of this. In addition, the fatigue of listening to the hate in the US today is so debilitating to us that I call this past summer the "Summer of Hate."
I have forged ahead in my journey and I am happier than I've been in years and this article helped. It was the catalyst for me moving forward with my transition. I hope it can help the non-queer people who have queer people in their lives that they love and want to support to be more supportive.
12 Things People Get Wrong About Being Nonbinary
There's no such thing as “looking nonbinary.”
Dee VanThournout
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